My Fairytales and Happy Endings..

I live in this fantasy world. I choose what I want to believe and ignore what the truth is, sometimes. Maybe that is why my dreams are always about running.. running away from all problems.. from reality. One my principles in life is to think happy thoughts. My memory has not enough space for bad ones that don't bring me any good, so why bother remember.

I believe that in this whole wide world that there is one perfect person just for you, making that special person perfect, I believe that I will someday find a job that I will be passionate about, I believe to always be true to yourself, your feelings, I believe is life is what you make out of it...

Something striked me today, when my boyfriend asked me that why say things that you don't mean. He continued to say, why say yes when your heart is actually desiring the opposite, why pretend to be someone you're not, how am I going to understand you if you keep pretending and not telling me what you actually want... is this why they say that women always mean the opposite? Maybe, but here is how all the questions turn up..

If I said yes to him staying over, then I am a not some kinda control freak girlfriend that doesn't give you space to hang out with your own friends. Besides, how often do see them? Although I wanted him to come back but I said yes still because I would want him to do the same if I were in his position. Besides, I will still see him next week unlike his friends. I was kinda unhappy about it and I passed this comment in a conversation we had "So, what have you been doing there till you don't want to come back?" Then this whole thing came up lah.. I said something I didn't mean because I didn't want to be the other person a control freak, and selfish. It silly right to be someone like that.

But am I being true to my feelings, to what I actually want. All my life, have I been pretending, wearing a mask disguise to not show what I feel, whom I really am, leading people to believe something? Am I really like that? I never thought that I was, but after him asking me all this.. I don't know.

Movie day

Today had been a really bad day for me.. I hate it when we fight.. Its weird because it seems as though as its my fault but it also feels as if its his fault.. I dunno.. in the end after talking for so long, after so much tears, after so much of saying things that we didn't mean and that didn't come out right.. we are still back at square one.. still angry at each other.. I feel that sometimes when we talk things out, we just makes things worse.. Its the way things are said, the way things are misunderstood.. but not talking things out is even worse.

I am just sad when these kinda things happen.. really sad.. and it sucks cause I feel so depressed. Never thought that a guy could effect me so much and that shows how important he is to me. Is it something good? or bad? I don't know...

I wanna grow old with you

My my, how time flies.. Its been exactly one year and I am still madly in love with you. There is no one else in this world that makes me feel the way you do. No one else.. I want to build a relationship with you, as strong as an oak tree that will weather through any storm and I believe we can.. I wanna to grow old with you..

My last relationship was sweet. He is all a girl wants. He's nice, sweet, sensitive, merchured, puts your needs before his, always thinking about the best for you, polite, never shouts, never hurts your feelings and most importantly was that he loved me a lot. We could always get along fine, seldom quarrelled. Despite all these qualities, I still felt something missing in the relationship.. but I could not pin point what. I held on because I had thought myself, that I was just being silly and besides what more can a girl ask for? He is everything that a girl would look for in a guy. So I just ignored what I felt. Its just a phase I told myself. And so our relationship lasted for 4 years. Long eh.. I admit that I did not put in as much effort as he did. And I knew that if someone better was to come along, I would break-up. But I still held on because I was afraid that I would not find somebody better. I was afraid that it would be a mistake. My thinking was about making that one person perfect and not finding that perfect person. I loved him definitely but he was someone I could live with but can live without. I had been selfish and unfair..

Finally, I had the guts to face my feelings. I realised that a person should be happy being in love. So happy that you want to tell the whole world that you are blissfully in love. To be able to turn around in circles till you get dizzy and fall on the ground still not believing that you are in love. You should want to give it your all in a relationship and not half-heartedly. I felt really guilty and sad when we broke-up. Guilty because I had to break his heart twice for me to realise and sad because I did love him. He deserves someone better than me.. someone that would love him just as much and it was something I was not capable of doing. I thought myself that I would never ever find someone that would love me so much.. and I deserved to be a spinster for hurting such a sweet guy. But I couldn't be untrue to myself.. I just couldn't..

When you close the door behind you, then only another would open..

I started dating "Mister Kuci" exactly a year ago.. and this guy.. geez.. where do I even begin. He full of shit, does crazy things, full fo sarcasm, full of evil plots and mischievous things up his sleeve but full of surprises too, has great taste of moosic, plays the guitar, so vain but smells great and yada yada yada. To tell ya the truth, I still don't know this guy very well although we have been friends like forever.. All I do know is that I have never ever been so sure about someone before and I can finally say I have found someone I wanna grow old with and I am happy =)

"I free-ee to do whatever I, whatever I choose and I'll sing the blues if I want" Whatever~Oasis

The good news is.. finally, the torture of studying is over.. but just for the time being. When results coming out then I would have to start worrying again. I just need a pass.. Dear God, please! Help! Just a pass will do nothing more, nothing less.

The bad news is that, now that exams are over, I have to face the fact that I have to begin work tomorrow. Damn.. I been waking up late for the past three weeks, how am I suppose to wake up early tomorrow?! *evil smile* I shall wake up not so early and be late for work :) Eheh, I have some banking to do tomorrow ;)

And tonight, I shall go out and celebrate.. who shall I call? *scratch scratch*

Dammit :)

I love Blink =) listening to their songs really gets me jumping..

I was suppose to go to Seremban today for All Souls Day, but I managed to escape the travelling.. phew.. My excuse was that I had to study and I had been a good girl I did study.. while doing my nails.. kekeke.. Everytime when I have to force myself to study, I think to myself "why the hell am I doing this?!" I don't even want to do auditing or accounting or anything to do with numbers.. Well, its going to be impossible to not deal with numbers, I graduated with a friggin accounting degree. Not my first choice, but I was indecisive then.. didn't know what was it that I want.. so, to be on the safe side.. I did what others told me to do.. the best choice.. and now.. sniff sniff.. look at me.. I am stuck with it.. If only I could turn back time..

Well, lets start dreaming a little bit.. if I could decide again, what would I have studied? Hmm.. still a very tuff question.. I would want something I can see me in it.. 'me' essence in my work.. making any sense? Something flexible and more spontaneous and not always by the books. I love reading and watching plays but can not be at the other end of it, that is writing or acting. Nope, not for me. Hmmm.. I really like crafty stuff, making cards, candles, flowers.. yada yada yada.. but how am I going to make a living out of it. Lost all creativity in me since I left highschool. I really like shopping.. which girl wouldn't? Anyway, being in the retail line would be cool or working for a fashion magazine.. To come to think of it, if I were given a chance to decide again, I have a feeling that I would still choose accounting.. its safe.. dammit

I keep telling I have to something about my career. I need change.. a big change.. a 180 degrees change of environment. Its scary to think about being where I am for the rest of my working days.. cause I am not fully motivated to work and I don't want to drag myself to work everyday. I want to wake up happy to go to work. Wonder if there is such a thing.. But what is scarier is taking that step to change..

Shall I still do auditing but overseas? Or maybe different line of auditing.. internal audit? Shall I venture into finance? Shall I just be an accountant sitting behind a desk? Shall I change to a totally different line of work like a fashion merchandiser or something? Can't, don't have the qualifications.. Shall I be a barista at Starbucks.. always wanted to do that. My three years is coming up and I have to decide.. there will be plenty of opportunities.. definitely.. but which one.. Dammit.. so much thinking to do!

Blogging Begins

Blogging begins for me today.. actually, I had spilled my thoughts over blogging before but deleted them because I did not like the outcome of it. So here is a fresh new start.. if only this could be applied to my life.. it would be cool.
I have noticed that everytime I blog, I would be really conscious of what I saying.. and even tend to twist the story at times just because the thought of others reading my blog is at the back of my head. So no more of those nonsense but only true facts of my lifes :)